


How To Cut A Rope

by werebird



Category: Lacrosse RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 22:36:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4763579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werebird/pseuds/werebird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry gets insecure about his tattoos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Cut A Rope

**Author's Note:**

> Xarry one shot. Enjoy!

He's gotten used to them so much he doesn't even notice them anymore. He knows they're there, for sure, but they don't particularly stick out to him anymore. The birds on his chest, the butterfly across his stomach and the laurels a few inches further down. Not all of them mattered to him once, he got some of them in the spur of the moment. But he never had major regrets, even though he isn't afraid to admit he could live without some of them. Others, he loves wholeheartedly.

Every now and then he is reminded of their existence. When he's asked in interviews about the meaning of a certain tattoo, when he sees old pictures of himself without any ink, when he sees fans who have the designs printed on shirts and sweaters. Lately he's been reminded of them a lot more often.

It's only been a few weeks since he started looking at Xander a little bit differently, since casual meet-ups turned into actual dates and innocent touches re-lit a longing inside of him, he didn't anticipate to be ready for in a long time.

 

“Harry?”

Harry snaps out of his mind only to see Xander looking at him expectantly. They're sitting next to each other, huddled on the couch in front of the TV. They're in their hotel room.

'Don't rush it again' his mum had said, of course she worries about him after everything, but to Harry nothing feels rushed this time around. He feels better having Xander here with him. It was Harry's idea to bring him on tour, but Xander hadn't hesitated before he agreed. It was their decision to get to know each other like this, now, rather than pushing it back after the tour for fear that the distance might change what they're feeling, what they so careful built together.

“Sorry what?” Harry says, feeling a bit guilty for getting lost in his own thoughts.

“You think they can still win this?” Xander asks and points at the TV where the game is still on. Harry hasn't been paying attention at all.

“Um”, he stalls, “it ain't over 'til it's over”, he says and quietly adds, “I guess.”

When he meets Xander's eyes, he can see he's smiling. And Harry can't help but feel his own smile tugging on the corner of his lips.

“We can do something else, you know. I told you, I don't have to watch the game.” Xander says and puts his hand on Harry's arm, his thumb resting on the ridiculous mermaid tail.

 

Harry looks down to where Xander's finger tips are touching his skin, to where his hand is framed between the anchor and the rose. And for a moment he feels it all over again, like the first second of an ice cold shower when it's hard to breath and and you're in shock and pain all the same.

Xander notices, of course he does, he always notices when Harry thinks about it. About him.

 

“You want me to leave you alone for a bit?” Xander asks, carefully, while he soothingly rubs his thumb across Harry's skin. “Or you wanna talk about it?” He adds and moves his hand along Harry's arm until he can lace their fingers together. Instead of bringing their joint hands up to his mouth, he bends down and rests his lips on the back of Harry's hand for a moment, kissing it gently before coming up again. Harry follows his movement with his eyes, but instead of looking back up at Xander's face, his sight is glued to the figure on his wrist. What he sees however is not just the anchor that is engraved in his skin, but the rope that is still missing from it.

“Do you hate them?” Harry asks.

“They're not my favorite team, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate them.” Xander says and Harry can hear he's making fun of him. He knows him that well now.

“You're such a dick.” Harry says and Xander laughs before scooting closer and kissing Harry on the cheek.

“I'm sorry”, he says and brushes his lips against Harry's face once more, “what are you asking me?”

“Do you hate the tattoos?” There is no use at trying to go about this more casually. It's been bothering him for a while now, and he swore to himself that he would always try to be as honest as possible in this - thing, having had unexpressed doubts and unspoken thoughts ruining relationships before.

Not this time, he had promised himself. And even though it had been so hard after being so hurt, he had learned to endure the vulnerability of having all his cards on the table for Xander to read like an open book. What made him uncomfortable at first had soon become what he was most proud of. The assurance that was born out of their honestly, the intimacy that emerged from their sincerity and the trust between them, trust he never thought he would be able to feel again, that was nothing less than the result of Xander himself, was what gave him the confidence to speak any and every thought that went through his head. Xander's calm, careful and loving personality, the steady feel of Xander's rising and falling chest against Harry's back in the dark of the night, and the sound of his laugh, like he had just heard it, made him want to try again. More than that. It made him able to try again.

 

“Why would I hate them?” Xander asks and looks at Harry, eyes all serious yet gentle and curious.

“ 'Cause they're not – right - like that.” Harry begins. “They're not -”, he takes a deep breath, “- complete.” He finally says. “Don't you hate knowing that they're as much someone else's as they are mine?”

Harry didn't mind them. Not before worrying that Xander might. Being with Louis was and would never be a regret in his life. As painful as it had ended, it was still his first love, intense, exciting and all-consuming. It had been Louis and him against the rest of the world for so long, he was completely lost being on his own at first. The break-up had only been the wound. It had hurt and it brought him to his knees, but what was worse was recovering from it. He had to pick himself up again, nurse himself through the heartbreak, the pain and the loneliness before discovering who he was on his own. It had meant taking care of his wound first and later the scar which still ached sometimes, even here with Xander right next to him.

 

“I'm not jealous of your past, Harry,” Xander then says, “it's what gotten you here, what made you the person you are today.” Carefully Xander untangles their fingers and moves his hand up again along Harry's arm to push the sleeve of his t-shirt a bit higher, revealing the classic ship tattoo. He starts tracing the lines of the masts, the sails and the ropes with his fingers, making Harry's skin shiver.

“I am proud of you,” Xander continues, “proud that you lived”, he says kissing the tattoo under his hand, “proud that you loved”, he goes on and brushes his finger tips over the the letters on the inside of Harry's arm – H and I - “proud that you gave it your all”, Harry feels the touch of Xander's hand on the rose as he slides it down once again to let it rest on the anchor, “and proud that you held on to it for so long”, Xander says.

“You were so brave, Harry, so strong and you fought so hard”, Xander looks at him and even though Harry feels so vulnerable again, he can't look away, “and I know you felt like you lost in the end, but it wasn't for nothing okay? Even when you lose, Harry, you still get to play, you still learn some tricks, and you get some good shots. The important thing is that you don't quit. You go home instead, you shower, you rest you muscles and then get back out there. You try again.”

 

Harry can't help but smile to himself. “Are we still talking relationships? Or Lacrosse?” He says and grins at Xander. He doesn't want to tease him, as he's thankful for his words, but he can't help it. Xander's love for lacrosse will never cease to endear him.

Xander gives him a look, but lets it slide.

“You get hurt out there, I know. Sometimes you break just your stick, sometimes it's a bone and sometimes it's your heart. But I don't see what you see Harry, when I look at your tattoos. I don't see what was lost. Or what was hurt. I see what you gained. And I see what has healed. I see who you became and what gave you your strength and bravery. You don't have to hide anymore. We don't have to hide. You made that happen, Harry.”

Xander swallows and looks down at his hand. “I don't want you to be in pain anymore. I don't want you to be scared anymore or struggle. I just want you to be happy. And if you're fine with them, then so am I.”

“I am” Harry says, toppling forward to press his lips on Xander's, cradling his face between his hands, with Xander's fingers still wrapped around the anchor. The taste of Xander's lips is overwhelming to Harry. He still hasn't gotten used to it, but he wants to get lost in it, drown in it, with no rope to ever pull him back and no compass to ever lead him home.

“I am happy”, he says smiling, as soon as they break the kiss. “And I think they can still win this.” Harry says and grins. 

 

* * *

 

The next time Harry Styles, soon-to-be-ex-boy-bander is photographed on a coffee run, it's in his brand new boots with his brand new boyfriend holding his right hand where his arm reads: Things I can.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I did it for the Xarry trash high five! Talk to me on [tumblr!](http://werebird.tumblr.com)


End file.
